A woman bought a very limp duck into a vet
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes I am quite sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something".

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duks owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely 100% certifiably, a dead duck".
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill, "£150!!!!, she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry but if you had taken my word for it at the outset, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan its now £150.

For those of you who might like a bit of fun, click on the attached link, and then press "game" , down the left hand side, and follow instructions CLICK HERE....BUT you have to email us with the result??rusforth@aol.com

Looks like non of us should be showing rough collies?

One day in Heaven, Peter, John and Paul were sitting around watching the dogs playing around the kennels.

“I’m fed – up” said John.
“So am I “ said Paul.
“I know” said Peter, let’s have a dog show”.

John and Paul thought that a thoroughly good idea, “but who would we compete against?”.

Peter then suggested “I know, let’s give Satan a call and invite him to enter his dogs, after all we’re bound to win, we’ve got all the good dogs up here, the BIS’s, Group Winners, BOB’s, Field Trial Champions, Obedience Champions, etc etc. The dogs down there with him are mean and difficult dogs, so we can’t lose!”

The call was put through to below and the invitation was made for Satan to enter the show.

Satan laughed “Why do you want to go through with all that humiliation, when we would certainly beat you”.

Peter, John and Paul couldn’t understand this, “What do mean, Satan?” they asked, “we have all the top winners in the world in every field in our kennels, so how can you beat us???!!!”

Satan laughed “Have you forgotten so soon………………………………………..

I HAVE ALL THE JUDGES!!!!!

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don’t pee on the tree
b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don’t eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night
DON’T BITE HIM!!

1. Empty out plant containers
2. Dig holes in the garden
3. Pull lilies out of the pond
4. Leave loo brush on the lawn
5. Give cats a nervous breakdown (now live on top of wardrobe!)
6. Hide cat’s bowl in bed
7. Run off with Mum’s glasses
8. Eat library book (twice)
9. Eat cheque-book (better)
10. Eat sock and throw it up on back seat of new car
11. Eat bar of soap and be sick on new carpet
12. Roll in muddy puddle before getting into aforesaid new car
BUT I KNOW MY MUM STILL LOVES ME!!!
Submitted to “Our Dogs” for Lynda Ward’s Joking aside October 3rd 2003 by O.Gleeson, Needham Market